Tom Hanks Project – Film #3 – “Bachelor Party” Review

12 Nov

bachtopWhen we started this project, we knew we’d see some things we’d never seen before. A donkey ODing on cocaine and pills was not something we expected, but there that donkey was, four legs in the air, after partying too hard*. Honestly, that’s about all I’ll remember from this very forgettable movie. Hanks is solid enough in it, but can’t save it from being a well below average 80’s comedy**. There were some interesting things to discuss and Hanks had his moments, but this is now our least favorite Hanks.

*As soon as the donkey started in on the drugs, I said to Zack, “THEY’RE GOING TO KILL THE DONKEY NOOOOO” and he was all, “Pshhh. No way. No way they kill the donkey.” 3 minutes later – dead donkey. I will never forgive this movie for killing the donkey.

**It’s the prototype for all of the American Pie movies that came later. A bunch of bros bro-ing it up and being really offensively masochistic.

You can get a feel for the entire movie just with this three and a half minute montage. Tom Hanks is a wise-cracking school bus driver who openly encourages the kids to gamble on the bus. He’s a wild man who runs with a group of idiot dude bros who live to PAR-TAY! In typical bad movie fashion, he gathers the dude-bros together at a bar to announce he’s getting married … next week. Hanks’ girlfriend is a sweet girl with country club parents, but she loves Hanks, despite him being a slob*. There’s a very cute scene where he cooks her an un-edible dinner, but you gotta respect the effort**.

*Let’s be real here. She’s not the brightest crayon in the box, and we see her working her job at a very trendy fashion store where they dance more than they assist customers.

**Hands-down, Hanks cooking his girlfriend dinner is the best scene in the movie. This is where Hanks is actually funny and charming.

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We meet the bride-to-be’s parents, who still want her to be with a detestable blonde tennis playing douche and we see her at work with her friends, but most of the movie is spent at the bachelor and bachelorette parties. The most unbelievable part was that our guy Tom would be friends with this collection of doofuses. The car mechanic who literally can’t seem to function due to his need to drink and see boobs. The airhead who tends bar all over town, including the male strip club. The concert ticket broker who hooks up with a very obvious transvestite and his butthead of a proctologist brother. Oh, and the suicidal married guy. They’re quite a crew. Hanks really doesn’t fit in. At all. He’s never made to be believable in this crew — we’re supposed to buy into the fact that he used to be as detestable as the rest of them? No way. He just never acts out in a way to make us buy it.

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The plot barely makes sense. The bride-to-be’s father wants her ex to win her back. The ex offers Hanks 10 grand AND kitchen appliances to break up with her. When that fails, he sends the hookers (Yes, hookers. Not strippers. Hookers.) to the bachelorette party instead of the bachelor party. Why? I don’t know*. So the girls decide to “get even” by going to a male strip club. The guys are told about this by the airhead friend who works there**, so the men take a trip to the male strip club. Then the women dress up as hookers and go to the guy’s hotel. It’s a mess. But, even though his brother and all his friends do, Tommy doesn’t sleep with a hooker***. And that’s enough for his gal to know they should be married.

*He wants to girls to know that this dirty pair was going to end up with the guys, and therefore they should shun them.

**Actually, this is a different blonde idiot who is supposed to show up at the party later. The original blonde idiot is more of a waiter than bartender.

***DUH. He’s Tom Hanks.

Laugh Out Loud: Zack: 75 Caitlin: 28 To be fair, I was almost entirely laughing at the movie, than with it. The bad 80s style and jokes and  anything involving the donkey cracked me up. It was rarely intentionally funny. I don’t know how Zack counted 28 laughs from me. For the most part I just sat there with lips sealed, rolling my eyes at the awfulness.

Cry: Both: 0 I wanted to cry at the fact that we own this piece of crap in two formats. Why Zack bought the VHS, we will never know. It was a quarter! I’d do it again, if I had the chance.

Cover Eyes: Both: 0 I thought Caitlin might cover her eyes when the donkey died, but nope. I came close when the suicidal friend tried to slit his wrists…with an electric razor.

Bachelor Party Tawny Kitaen Tom Hanks

Romantic Interest: Zack: 7 Caitlin: 5 As much as it was hard to believe that Tom was friends with those goofballs, Hanks and Tawny Kitaen were a pretty cute couple. They had solid chemistry, were clearly young and in love and didn’t care what their friends or family thought about it. I bought it, though I did think they resolved the whole “you have topless hookers at your bachelor party” issue a little too easily. All he had to do was announce “I didn’t sleep with anyone here, right?!” Yeah, girls let that go that easily. I definitely thought this couple had some chemistry at the beginning, but by the end they were such flat characters that I didn’t find myself caring all that much if they ended up together. And to Zack’s point, no way in hell would it be all smiles if there were even strippers in attendance at a bachelor party event.

Hanks Performance: Zack: 5.5 Caitlin: 5 Hanks was fine. He played the charming straight man and was believable as a love interest. But at no time did he elevate the movie above a bad 80s comedy. He had zero quotable lines. He had no memorable scenes other than the cooking scene. I can’t go above a 6. The movie sucked with or without him. The cooking scene was brilliant. He was barely in the rest of it.

Movie: Zack: 3.5 Caitlin: 3 It was funny how bad it was, and I’ll never forget the donkey scene, but this movie is just garbage. I think we’ve made that clear by now.We now own “Bachelor Party” on VHS and DVD and I’d be surprised if either get played again any time soon. “Any time soon” = “I will never, ever watch this film again.”

We won’t subject you to much of this film. We do NOT recommend watching it. But everyone should see a donkey OD on coke. NOPE. Nobody should. Please don’t watch the clip. It is so sad. Maybe I feel even more empathy for the donkey because the girl belly dancer who dances around him is about to HAVE SEX WITH HIM (yup, with the donkey) in front of the group before he ODs. Just the whole thing, so wrong. Ugh.

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4 Responses to “Tom Hanks Project – Film #3 – “Bachelor Party” Review”

  1. jessthetics November 13, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

    Poor donkey! 😦 The 80s outfits look wonderfully hideous xx

    • Caitlin November 13, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

      Poor donkey, indeed!!! I was *so* sad, even though it was so ridiculous.

  2. Zack November 13, 2013 at 6:30 pm #

    The donkey died so we could live. And laugh.

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  1. Introduction to The Tom Hanks Project | rockloveaustin - November 18, 2013

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