The Fart Bet

16 Nov

fartzCaitlin and I were driving home from our usual weekend fro-yo stop a few weeks ago and somehow the topic of farts came up. Specifically, how often I farted in front of Caitlin. I said it probably happened a couple times a week and she insisted it was more or less a daily occurrence*. I put my money where my butt is and told her I bet I could last until my birthday (then three weeks away) without farting in her presence**. I could fart in the bathroom or leave the room, but if we were sharing a common room and she heard or smelled a fart, she won the bet. As for the stakes? If I won, she’d have to bake us something aromatically pleasing, like cinnamon buns. If she won, I’d have to buy her two candles. She considered this a win-win for obvious reasons. So, who won?

*I mean. A couple times a week??? Who was he kidding.

**My thought: “This will be the easiest money I’ve ever earned, metaphorically speaking.”

i_love_to_fartYou see a pic of me holding candles, so you probably know how this turned out. We made the bet on a Friday. On that Sunday, I came home from work, put on the afternoon football games and had a snack in the rock garden. Caitlin left the room briefly and as soon as she got into the kitchen I totally forgot about the bet and let two loud juicy ones rip*. Two seconds later I hear her come to the realization and scream out, “Yes! Yessss! I win, I win!” Welp. So much for that.

*Gross. But seriously, it was like he was announcing his loss. SO loud.

After a busy few weeks of running a half Ironman, Halloween-ing and turning 30 at Fun Fun Fun Fest, we finally had a free weekend to pick our candles on S. Congress this weekend. We passed on the first store selling wine-scented candles for $29 a pop, but we found the ideal candles at shop number two. If you look closely at the picture, the two candles I’m holding are titled “King of farts” and “Queen of farts.” You’d think we’d have picked those out, but they just smelled like soap and Caitlin preferred “Unicorn Puke” and “I don’t remember.*” And I’m still farting a lot. 

*Cuddles. They’re soy candles made locally, and really most of the ones we smelled were pleasant, at minimum. The shop we were in, Limbo, sold all kinds of fun stuff: jewelry and pillows with David Bowie and Iggy Pop dressed up in wartime regalia, but obviously we were there for one purpose and one purpose only. As I was smelling “Cuddles” and rolling my eyes back in my head from the delicious smell, one of the people working in the store walked over to ask which one we were smelling. Zack and I decided we had to explain the bet to the guy, so we did, and he cracked up and told us that next time, the bet should be that if Zack loses, he has to dress up in drag as the “Queen of Farts” and come back for that candle. You know I’m sold!


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